Detachment is such a strange word. One can be detached from reality and live in their own little lollipop forrest of a world. Where raindrops turn into jelly beans and the river of "Denial" runs raging through. I consider myself a detachment convert. For once I was lost but now I am found.. not really found.. but lightsbulbs are going off in my head as I wrap my brain around the concept of detaching.
I am currently dealing with detaching from a very dysfuncial/ dillusional messed up person with a cocktail of personality disorders.. We have a child together and from a very young age I have seen red flags regarding my sons mental state.. I initially thought it was autism at some level. But knowing that skitzophrenia runs on the paternal fathers side, as well as having a 7 year old who has been in counceling since he was about 3, It is time for me to seperate the illnesses of this persons mind and not only stop taking it personaly and for petes sake it is time for me to stop expecting a different result from this person..
Loving and protecting ones offspring is prevalent in nature as mother bears will attach when they feel the slightest threat to their cubs. And most human parents are protectors of their children.. Obviously we all protect on different levels.. some of us are over protective and rob ous children of the fun of youth. Like climbing a tree or swimming in the creek.. some parents fear a tree fall, a broken bone, or bacteria from the local creek! but for most of us our protectived nature is one of knowing danger and preventing it.. Most people in their right minds would not send a child into the vehicle of a drunk person. So how is it I can not only put my son into the car, shut the door and even encourage him to go somewhere with his dad when he adimently does not want to go? It is like detaching but my one arm is still in the fire.. It hurts. .It is confusing doing this parenting thing alone.. Tonight I find myself questioning.. Am I allowing my son to go with this person who is a pathological lliar.. More times then not in the last 5 years I have not known where he goes.. I have inquired repeatedly only to be met with responses not of a healthy father, but from an emotionally insecure and screwed up man who says "You don't need to worry about where he is as long as he is with me" I don't agree.. but my hands are tied..
My son loves his dad very much..
My detachment has to come from a perspective of remembering that his lies and fabrications are not about me.. they are directed at me, but I can choose to listen or not listen.. I can quit even asking because the game is set up so that when I ask.. he just gets to lie in my face again..
Knowing and loving and being exposed to a pathological liar is a tremendous challenge. To have to behave as somene you are not. someone you uncomfortable being.. pacifying the lie because you no longer have it in you too fight it.. But someone has too fight for my son.. My hands are often tied, but I have recourse.. I can be the good parent.. I can be the constant.. I will always be the one my son can count on getting it straight from.. No B.S. I will tellhim the truth and he can walk away never doubting my word is golden.. when I say I will do it.. he can count on that being so.. I am proud of this.. It is little consolation sometimes against the constant barrage of lies coming at me..
I spoke to a counselor and a lawyer and they both feel that he must disclose fully .. but regardless.. I can detach myself from him as much as humanly possible for me.. I am a pushover, a hopeless romantic.. I often imagine in my little dysfunctional young girl mode that someone may actually change.. Highly unlikely.. and once again, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result makes me not only look like a crazy person,, but I am acting like one..
I don't like whoo I have become, but I am greatful that I am aware of it.. awareness is wonderful because even though the road ahead of acceptance and action are daunting to say the least.. With the knowledge I have now , comes power, and today I have power and courage to change what I can.. and that is me..
It will certainly save me much anguish, it will hurt for a while like the pearl being formed into one of the rarest substances on earth and it too is formed under tremendous adversity and look at the magnificence that is finally revealed exactly when it is ready.
I am going to be a pearl one day.. I just know it..
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
The Little League
Take me back to a time 35 or so years ago.. Take me back to a dry and dusty field with too much dirt and not enough grass. Take me to the neighborhood sand lot, the field where the zoning ordanance sign stood for what seems like forever in my child like mind. Take me back to a hot summer day and 6 or 7 kids, mitts and bats and only 2 tattered baseballs. Take me back to the time before little league became whatever the hell it is today. Before baseball became tainted with Steriods and HGH and liars.. Take me back to the glory days when our childhood heros dove in the dirt to make an impossible catch and magically arose to make a double play. My childhood hero was Brooks Robinson, Jim Palmer, Boog Powell, Mark Belanger, Al Bumbry, Elrod Hendricks, Frank Robinson. The boys of summer, the hungry guys who worked hard and made it look easy. The salaries were small and so were the egos. We saw amazing plays based on drive and passion and skill, Not hormones and steroids. Personally ( and this deserves a whole other page) I don't feel any player today who breaks a record and is on any performance enhancing drug should get the record.. Plain and simple, Cheatng is cheating, we never learned to put up with it , Pete Rose gambled on Baseball and one of the legends of the games was thrown out! But today a loser like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens can easily lie and be handed the keys to a city.. No, they don't deserve it, and neither do we. We deserve a better caliper of player. When I take my boys to a ball game.. I expect to see some real players. .heart and soul players.. No we don't deserve to have to pay their salaries and stroke their egos by building them bigger and fancier stadiums.. I would be completely content to have spent the rest of my days sitting in Memorial Stadium or the old Yankee Stadium..
So back to the point of my story. We get much we don't deserve today and alot of wrong is going on in our world, but it needs to stop when it comes to baseball. As a child who loves baseball, you hit 13 or 14 and become disillusioned by the local little league in your community when you find out and realize that you were not picked for the select team. .The select team is basically hand picked ball players all of whom are excellent and they get to have the best coaching the best equiptment, Sure sounds great and It is for a few of them. But what about the rest of the boys in the town? What about the boy who just wants a good honest game of baseball, what about the boy whos fire burns inside to play the all american game? He is not good enough for the "Select Team" so his evaluation really does not matter, he is sent into the hat of kids to be picked from. the kids who are not good enough according to 5 people.. So these boys who need good decent coaching and are deserving of it because although they don't play as well as the "Select" boys, they have just as much passion if not more. See the "Select" boys often only have a few guys on the team that really want to be on the high stress team. Most of them just want to play a decent fair game of baseball and it is not all about winning until some power hungry men decide to live their crushed dreams vicariously through the unsuspecting victims whom they are now coaching. The boys of summer who fall through the cracks and are stuck on a team with a coach who is only coaching because no one else would step up and do it. .and of course you gotta give the man credit for stepping up where there is a need. He sacrifices dinners at home at a reasonable hour, his family picks up the slack at home for his hours on the field babysitting someone elses kids. But he is not coaching, he is taking up space like a bad day care provider, Instilling nothing but silence on the boys who just want to play ball. He is not coaching them. .He is tired and in his mind they should know the basics by now, but the reality is , even in the big leagues there is coaching going on. There is someone shouting direction for the field. there is someone keeping a watchful eye on pitching and stealing etc..
When all the good players get picked for the select team, they also tend to have the good coaches, the involved baseball loving dads .. so not only are all the good players on one team, all the good coaches are now sitting watching games instead of passingon their knowledge and wisdom to young men who deserve to have that opportunity just as much if not more. How do we stop this.? Baseball the game is such a metaphor for life. Valuable lessons in teamwork and good sportsmanship as well as integrity are taught in the dirt of that field. but not anymore.. lets just show up, throw together a roster, who cares where each boy plays, they are on their own out there in the field.. No coaching, no positive role models, No more heros...
Only heads hung low as they lose another by 20 runs.. where is the decency..Who is protecting this American pastime from the selfish American future?
I care! I miss the days when teams were divided somewhat equally. You never knew from year to year who would switch around, but you played your position and you learned it and got good at it. Your coach yelled at you when you screwed up a play or bobbled a ball, but he also patted your butt when you were up to bat and he encouraged you to be your best, to go down swinging. Don't just stand there..
Heads hung in shame have no place on a little league ball field. Young boys all have an equal place on a team to play .. sometimes you sit, you win some, you lose some.. You should never lose them all.. I would not want to put that uniform on again for another spanking.
What ever happened to equally divided teams, and then at the end of the year the best of the best were invited to play on the All Star team. if they wanted too? the season ended for most of us then, but the all stars enjoyed a bit more glory.
Nowadays, it is who has the biggest payrole can buy the bestt players.. and the 5 small town men who feel it is their job to glorify 12 and ignore 30 others should be ashamed of themselves. .What gives them the right, how do they justify this in their minds.. What kind of power have they instilled upon themselves?
I am sick and I am tired.. I feel the pain of the 10 or 11 boys who still show up to finish out the season thankfully because a parent is making them finish what they started. Baseball is a team sport it takes all the pieces to fit together and work as a team. Not seperatly.
I am disenchanted.. I want this to change. Ask a kid on the "Select" team if he really cares. He won't , he cares more about a good and fair game, a fun night laughing and bonding with the other guys..
When you put the leftovers on a team and then don't coach them, what on earth did you expect would happen?
So back to the point of my story. We get much we don't deserve today and alot of wrong is going on in our world, but it needs to stop when it comes to baseball. As a child who loves baseball, you hit 13 or 14 and become disillusioned by the local little league in your community when you find out and realize that you were not picked for the select team. .The select team is basically hand picked ball players all of whom are excellent and they get to have the best coaching the best equiptment, Sure sounds great and It is for a few of them. But what about the rest of the boys in the town? What about the boy who just wants a good honest game of baseball, what about the boy whos fire burns inside to play the all american game? He is not good enough for the "Select Team" so his evaluation really does not matter, he is sent into the hat of kids to be picked from. the kids who are not good enough according to 5 people.. So these boys who need good decent coaching and are deserving of it because although they don't play as well as the "Select" boys, they have just as much passion if not more. See the "Select" boys often only have a few guys on the team that really want to be on the high stress team. Most of them just want to play a decent fair game of baseball and it is not all about winning until some power hungry men decide to live their crushed dreams vicariously through the unsuspecting victims whom they are now coaching. The boys of summer who fall through the cracks and are stuck on a team with a coach who is only coaching because no one else would step up and do it. .and of course you gotta give the man credit for stepping up where there is a need. He sacrifices dinners at home at a reasonable hour, his family picks up the slack at home for his hours on the field babysitting someone elses kids. But he is not coaching, he is taking up space like a bad day care provider, Instilling nothing but silence on the boys who just want to play ball. He is not coaching them. .He is tired and in his mind they should know the basics by now, but the reality is , even in the big leagues there is coaching going on. There is someone shouting direction for the field. there is someone keeping a watchful eye on pitching and stealing etc..
When all the good players get picked for the select team, they also tend to have the good coaches, the involved baseball loving dads .. so not only are all the good players on one team, all the good coaches are now sitting watching games instead of passingon their knowledge and wisdom to young men who deserve to have that opportunity just as much if not more. How do we stop this.? Baseball the game is such a metaphor for life. Valuable lessons in teamwork and good sportsmanship as well as integrity are taught in the dirt of that field. but not anymore.. lets just show up, throw together a roster, who cares where each boy plays, they are on their own out there in the field.. No coaching, no positive role models, No more heros...
Only heads hung low as they lose another by 20 runs.. where is the decency..Who is protecting this American pastime from the selfish American future?
I care! I miss the days when teams were divided somewhat equally. You never knew from year to year who would switch around, but you played your position and you learned it and got good at it. Your coach yelled at you when you screwed up a play or bobbled a ball, but he also patted your butt when you were up to bat and he encouraged you to be your best, to go down swinging. Don't just stand there..
Heads hung in shame have no place on a little league ball field. Young boys all have an equal place on a team to play .. sometimes you sit, you win some, you lose some.. You should never lose them all.. I would not want to put that uniform on again for another spanking.
What ever happened to equally divided teams, and then at the end of the year the best of the best were invited to play on the All Star team. if they wanted too? the season ended for most of us then, but the all stars enjoyed a bit more glory.
Nowadays, it is who has the biggest payrole can buy the bestt players.. and the 5 small town men who feel it is their job to glorify 12 and ignore 30 others should be ashamed of themselves. .What gives them the right, how do they justify this in their minds.. What kind of power have they instilled upon themselves?
I am sick and I am tired.. I feel the pain of the 10 or 11 boys who still show up to finish out the season thankfully because a parent is making them finish what they started. Baseball is a team sport it takes all the pieces to fit together and work as a team. Not seperatly.
I am disenchanted.. I want this to change. Ask a kid on the "Select" team if he really cares. He won't , he cares more about a good and fair game, a fun night laughing and bonding with the other guys..
When you put the leftovers on a team and then don't coach them, what on earth did you expect would happen?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Mary Mary
Mary, why do you refuse to open your eyes? Your child is so sick,it is upsetting and sad and inside he must feel like crap about himself, Yet in your selfish desire to keep him down because you are so terrified of losing his love.. You turn a blind eye to his sickness. He has severe mental illness and living alone with no family or friends around him , His disease is allowed to take over and it has .. I can walk into his apartment and see the disease swallowing him up entirely. It breaks my heart and I don't have much heart of compassion left towards him.. His disease is insidious in how it takes over his mind, often times without him even knowing it.. the lies to himself and to the world.. His lack of true intimacy, the OCD , the skitzophrenia, the narccisitic personality disorder are only naming a few of the ingredients in this poor persons cocktail of a brain. And you choose to use him, you choose to keep him sick instead of loving him enough to confront him and get him the help he so desperately needs.. I realize how afraid you are of losing him, I realize that you have lost 2 of your children and 6 grand kids.. and the thought of losing another one is so unbearable that you will not even allow it to cross your mind or your heart ... I have been aroundd long enough to have seen some pretty bad signs of the illness.. I have attempted discussions with you in the past on more then one occasion and I have been met with your wrath. Only once was there a break through where his problem was given a name, I was ecstatic that we had this break through, because I felt like "finally, putting a name to it was acknowledging it exsists , it was a glimmer of hope to the only slim chance of recovery. You cannot fix what you dont acknowledge.. You ignoring his mental frame of mind is a sin. I no longer foolishly hope that we can or will be friends.. personally I don't want friends who tell me what I want to hear, I want the kind of friends who tell me what I need to hear..
Of course all of this is my outsider opinion.. but if it were my son.. no matter how old he is and this was brought to my attention, I most certainly would not close my eyes.. I would confront him with love, i would hold him accountable. .I would quit (never ) make excuses as to why he makes the choices he makes.. why he behaves the way he does..
Do you not think it odd that he drives a $40,000.00 truck, has the top of the line hunting gear, pays off your house yet lives in a stinky disgusting little hole in the wall apartment? Do you think he could do better then that.. set some goals for himself or just stay stuck in the muck? How about all the mountains of stuff piled on his table for years now? Are you seriously going to tell me you don't notice it or is that you just want to believe his justifications because looking at the truth would hurt too badly and you fear losing another child..
well .. You are wrong in my opinion..
Of course all of this is my outsider opinion.. but if it were my son.. no matter how old he is and this was brought to my attention, I most certainly would not close my eyes.. I would confront him with love, i would hold him accountable. .I would quit (never ) make excuses as to why he makes the choices he makes.. why he behaves the way he does..
Do you not think it odd that he drives a $40,000.00 truck, has the top of the line hunting gear, pays off your house yet lives in a stinky disgusting little hole in the wall apartment? Do you think he could do better then that.. set some goals for himself or just stay stuck in the muck? How about all the mountains of stuff piled on his table for years now? Are you seriously going to tell me you don't notice it or is that you just want to believe his justifications because looking at the truth would hurt too badly and you fear losing another child..
well .. You are wrong in my opinion..
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Rage Against the Man
I have gone down fighting most of my life and like the phoenix, I too rise from the ashes.. I don't always feel as glorious as the Phoenix.. To paint a visual of my rising it would be like this: Me , covered in a massive quantity of bull shit, crawling with dirty fingernails, bare foot and bleeding, torn ragged clothes, bloodied and soiled knees.. and breathing heavy.. hard word is my Phoenix rising and I wonder.. In all my struggles in life, both the self inflicted and the not so awesome hands life has had a tendancy to throw at me, There has got too be something amazing waiting for me down the road.. I don't want to spend my 100 years on this planet, in this life waiting for something amazing. .I am the eternal annoying optomist. I even get on my own nerves sometimes when I hear myself talking myself out of my feelings/. Not allowing myself to just feel like shit sometimes or not so happy or to realize that life sucks on occasion and more often then not.. I am ok with that sometimes.. but why is it that the pleasant moments seem so contrastingly different when weighed on a scale of fairness? Why does it seem that some people have so much more in life.. Why are they able to have nice houses and I can't? Why is it that I have worked my butt off since I was 15 at jobs and yet I have nothing? I have given life an honest effort, I have given life the constant benefit of the doubt only to be bitch slapped back down.. why is that? Why is it that some raging alcoholics can have a decent life.. why is it that I don't have a date ever and no friends? what is the universe trying to tell me.. ? and more importantly .. why aren't I getting the message?
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Dear God
I was brought up in a home divided.. Mom was a practicing Catholic..practice practice practice..I think she had always just about had it right.. it was not about being "catholic" per say.. more about how you lived your life, what is in your heart.. How willing are you to share the message, not just in knowing and reciting the words, but actually walking the walk.. mom had that down.. She walked the walk.. and she can still talk the talk with the best of them.. Hers is a religion based faith.. She often shared with me through out my life when I struggled with organized religions and the chaos and hypocracy... Mom would bring things down into a perspective that almost made sense..
I as an adult of 28 went through a metamorphasis .. a spiritual awakening or being born again as some would call it.. It actually calls it that in the bible as well.. I was always leary of the term "Born again" because it conjurs memories of those scary people in plain but fancy clothing who would be walking down the neighborhood streets with their little bags and fliers about their religion.. But for lack of a better term and also as a result of my own coming to terms with the term and all it implied.. I am now quite comfortable sharing the statement "I am born again" .. People still run and hide.. but that is ok. .I am not going to come after you and thump you on the head with a bible.. I would rather just be your friend or even an aquaintance at this point so that you can form your own opinion of where you are on your journey and I will be more of an example by my actions then shoving my words down your throat.... Just don't be afraid of those that will call you to duty.. to serve.. etc.. the time is coming.. the time for answer asking and question fielding..The time for seeking instead of simply trusting what you are told to think and believe. There is very little truth even available these days. I surely don't know, I am a questioner and I have often been silenced but I cannot be silent any longer. Keeping my head in the sand is no longer an option.. for some reason I have been chosen.. I think about Paul in the bible and what a total scum bag, lying, womanizing, christian killer he was, yet God knocked him on his ass and used him for good. I liken myself to Paul.. I lived a selfish, self absorbed life.. Not concerned about my fellow human beings.. Not concerned about my own well being.. I allowed myself to be trash.. Which brings me back to the house divided that I grew up in.. I never felt good enough and that had alot to do with the fact that I was reminded by my father (when he was around) of just how worthless and stupid I was.. I don't understand why a parent would feel the need to verbally beat the spirit out of someone so small and helpless.. And it has taken much healing , recovery, faith in Christ, tears, pain in my awakening as well as forgiveness of my father.. My father has not changed.. but I have , and in my awakening, as a result of my forgiveness, I now have a relationship with my father.. His power over me by manipulative words no longer hurt me. I have gone from hatred and misunderstanding to compassion and insight. It is hard to see my own family, so filled with dysfunction but when I see the daily news.. read the paper, turn on the T.V. , all around us we are surrounded by the confused, the misguided, the non believers, the uninformed, the ignorant. The state of our world is no longer just sad.. It is tradgic, it has been allowed to spin so out of control that it has become shameful.
Starting with the family that has convinced themselves that they need two incomes to survive.. They need to incomes because they made a choice to live a life garnering a dual income. Instead of sacrificing that fancy new car, instead of driving an old faithful car, we need bigger, better, faster more.. And from that initial leak springs forth the poison from the well.. the Hell well...
Two income couples should not bring children into the world.. consider it please. How do you justify bringing children into the world so that you can leave them in a day care for 10 hours a day? What lies do you tell yourself to help you sleep at night? More hell water.. it is to the point now where we don't tell the lies anymore. .It is justified in the sleeping pill.. that way you don't HAVE to think about it.. you will sleep like a baby so that you can get up and do it again tomorrow.. Drop the kids at day care, until they are old enough to go to school.. and hey lets petition the government for full day kindergarten, after all.. the kids are 4 and 5 and 6.. they are no longer just innocent little children.. they are old enough now to have to get up way before they need too.. Who the hell cares? Hectic mornings are the way everyone wants to grow up.. nothing like security.. and how about the little belly ache that has to go to school or daycare anyway because mommy cannot miss another day of work.. give him some medicine.. send her off.. If it gets worse I will deal with it later..and hey how about before school care where they can feed them breakfast too.. Yeah, great idea.. one more way of getting out of spending any real time chatting with YOUR child? Why do we keep having children?
And your kids are fucked up, but man you have a nice house and fancy car.. You must be so proud.. take your valium like a normal person and don't feel anything.. Where will it get you anyway?
And what about the kids born out of wedlock? What about the little boys who have no daddy in their lives.. My God.. If you are there, you much weep around the clock just at this tradgedy of the 20th and 21st centuries.. A moment literally, of pleasure and their are babies popping out all over the place that no one wants.. the government winds up paying for them.. mommy is annoyed at them.. daddy.. Well , daddy has 5 kids.. and he is out still trying to get laid because the system for tracking him down and making him pay aint working! How about a castration? How about no more reproduction? But again we come full circle.. who is teaching the kids morals? Who is giving your child, safe in their little day care a moral compass? Who is teaching them chastity, self respect, self esteem, waiting to have sex until you are in a commited long term relationship.. Why are 13 year old girls even considering having sex? Because there is no daddy around supply them with the love they need.. no one is telling them how special they are.. no one is telling them that it is not only smart to wait, because your little teenage body is in no way ready for sex, pregnancy, childbirth or parenting.. Why is no one telling you that?
I love you .. I wish I could reach every young girl on the planet right now and share my story and hug them and tell them that sex is the final act in a relationship, never the first consideration. somehow today the message is.. sex is ok.. My God where are you? You gotta be rethinking this free will thing.. We are a bunch of idiots.. young girls having sex with guys who just want to bust a nut and will say and do anything to get that.. they don't care about you.. Odds are so not in the favor of that relationship working out.. Instead the odds are that a young girl will contract a sexually transmitted disease, get pregnant, ruin not just her life but that of an innocent baby..
Dear God.. it seems we no longer think for ourselves.. we jump higher becuase that is what society tells us to do.. We need more money to buy more crap.. NOT. .what we could use are a few more hours in our days.. a better nights sleep , more love and hugs and time with our children. Give up the extracaricular activities.. sacrifice when you bring a child into this world.. give them a chance at growing up to be a decent well rounded human being.. that can only happen with parental love and support and unconditional love.
We the people need to step up. We need to own our part in this. . .we need to get our babies out of day care and start spending time raising them.. allowing them to be little kids. to stay in their pajamas a bit too long.. allowing them to play in the sprinkler, but not alone, mom and dad.. get in the sprinkler.. play, hug kiss, laugh.. spend all that you have of yourself..
I recently asked my 6 year old this question: Would you rather take all the toys in our house (and we have way way too many toys) and trade them all in, you could keep 2 of your favorites, just get rid of them all, would you do it if it meant you could have your daddy back in your life every day.. He did not even have to think about it.. He said a resounding "YES, I would rather have my dad"
He is six.. I am listening.. His daddy is not.. I will be there /here for him no matter what... I will be the hipper version of June cleaver.. No dresses, but morals, values and hot meals every day! I will be the voice of reason, I will be the leader by my positive example.. i will be the sound board, the hug and kiss to celebrate the triumphs, the tissue box holder and weilder of bandaids and neosporin.. I will be the goalie.. the pitchback, I will be the audiance for magic shows, I will be on the bleachers in the rain at every game come hell or high water.. I will be waiting on the bus stop every day when you come home.. I will be the homework assistant, i will be the appointment maker, taxi driver, baseball coach, bread winner. worry sharer.. best friend. .I will be the parent.. I will set up boundaries and dish out spankings when needed.. I will love you unconditionally and you will not live one day or breathe one breath where you ever doubt my unconditional love.. I will raise you to be a person of integrity.. I will raise you to be an activist , your own dog.. I will remind you every day of how blessed you are, of how much you are loved, of how special you are .. I willl remind you to say your prayers and I will teach you to be greatful for all we have ... I don't have a big fancy house, I drive an older model car that , Praise the Lord, runs great.. I don't have much money left in my savings account. .but I have happy , well adjusted kids who have a safe place to fall.. it is called home.. Not fancy schmancy house with mortgage that is killing mom and dad.. Home.. and all it entails..
I will lead by my example.. You will know and never doubt my love, my commitment and hopefully.. You will not know dysfuntion but instead.. Love, tolerance, understanding, sacrifice.. and a happy home..
ahhh yes.. Dear God.. grant us happy homes.. take us back to the simpler days.. the Leave it too beaver days.. I can smell the meat loaf.
I as an adult of 28 went through a metamorphasis .. a spiritual awakening or being born again as some would call it.. It actually calls it that in the bible as well.. I was always leary of the term "Born again" because it conjurs memories of those scary people in plain but fancy clothing who would be walking down the neighborhood streets with their little bags and fliers about their religion.. But for lack of a better term and also as a result of my own coming to terms with the term and all it implied.. I am now quite comfortable sharing the statement "I am born again" .. People still run and hide.. but that is ok. .I am not going to come after you and thump you on the head with a bible.. I would rather just be your friend or even an aquaintance at this point so that you can form your own opinion of where you are on your journey and I will be more of an example by my actions then shoving my words down your throat.... Just don't be afraid of those that will call you to duty.. to serve.. etc.. the time is coming.. the time for answer asking and question fielding..The time for seeking instead of simply trusting what you are told to think and believe. There is very little truth even available these days. I surely don't know, I am a questioner and I have often been silenced but I cannot be silent any longer. Keeping my head in the sand is no longer an option.. for some reason I have been chosen.. I think about Paul in the bible and what a total scum bag, lying, womanizing, christian killer he was, yet God knocked him on his ass and used him for good. I liken myself to Paul.. I lived a selfish, self absorbed life.. Not concerned about my fellow human beings.. Not concerned about my own well being.. I allowed myself to be trash.. Which brings me back to the house divided that I grew up in.. I never felt good enough and that had alot to do with the fact that I was reminded by my father (when he was around) of just how worthless and stupid I was.. I don't understand why a parent would feel the need to verbally beat the spirit out of someone so small and helpless.. And it has taken much healing , recovery, faith in Christ, tears, pain in my awakening as well as forgiveness of my father.. My father has not changed.. but I have , and in my awakening, as a result of my forgiveness, I now have a relationship with my father.. His power over me by manipulative words no longer hurt me. I have gone from hatred and misunderstanding to compassion and insight. It is hard to see my own family, so filled with dysfunction but when I see the daily news.. read the paper, turn on the T.V. , all around us we are surrounded by the confused, the misguided, the non believers, the uninformed, the ignorant. The state of our world is no longer just sad.. It is tradgic, it has been allowed to spin so out of control that it has become shameful.
Starting with the family that has convinced themselves that they need two incomes to survive.. They need to incomes because they made a choice to live a life garnering a dual income. Instead of sacrificing that fancy new car, instead of driving an old faithful car, we need bigger, better, faster more.. And from that initial leak springs forth the poison from the well.. the Hell well...
Two income couples should not bring children into the world.. consider it please. How do you justify bringing children into the world so that you can leave them in a day care for 10 hours a day? What lies do you tell yourself to help you sleep at night? More hell water.. it is to the point now where we don't tell the lies anymore. .It is justified in the sleeping pill.. that way you don't HAVE to think about it.. you will sleep like a baby so that you can get up and do it again tomorrow.. Drop the kids at day care, until they are old enough to go to school.. and hey lets petition the government for full day kindergarten, after all.. the kids are 4 and 5 and 6.. they are no longer just innocent little children.. they are old enough now to have to get up way before they need too.. Who the hell cares? Hectic mornings are the way everyone wants to grow up.. nothing like security.. and how about the little belly ache that has to go to school or daycare anyway because mommy cannot miss another day of work.. give him some medicine.. send her off.. If it gets worse I will deal with it later..and hey how about before school care where they can feed them breakfast too.. Yeah, great idea.. one more way of getting out of spending any real time chatting with YOUR child? Why do we keep having children?
And your kids are fucked up, but man you have a nice house and fancy car.. You must be so proud.. take your valium like a normal person and don't feel anything.. Where will it get you anyway?
And what about the kids born out of wedlock? What about the little boys who have no daddy in their lives.. My God.. If you are there, you much weep around the clock just at this tradgedy of the 20th and 21st centuries.. A moment literally, of pleasure and their are babies popping out all over the place that no one wants.. the government winds up paying for them.. mommy is annoyed at them.. daddy.. Well , daddy has 5 kids.. and he is out still trying to get laid because the system for tracking him down and making him pay aint working! How about a castration? How about no more reproduction? But again we come full circle.. who is teaching the kids morals? Who is giving your child, safe in their little day care a moral compass? Who is teaching them chastity, self respect, self esteem, waiting to have sex until you are in a commited long term relationship.. Why are 13 year old girls even considering having sex? Because there is no daddy around supply them with the love they need.. no one is telling them how special they are.. no one is telling them that it is not only smart to wait, because your little teenage body is in no way ready for sex, pregnancy, childbirth or parenting.. Why is no one telling you that?
I love you .. I wish I could reach every young girl on the planet right now and share my story and hug them and tell them that sex is the final act in a relationship, never the first consideration. somehow today the message is.. sex is ok.. My God where are you? You gotta be rethinking this free will thing.. We are a bunch of idiots.. young girls having sex with guys who just want to bust a nut and will say and do anything to get that.. they don't care about you.. Odds are so not in the favor of that relationship working out.. Instead the odds are that a young girl will contract a sexually transmitted disease, get pregnant, ruin not just her life but that of an innocent baby..
Dear God.. it seems we no longer think for ourselves.. we jump higher becuase that is what society tells us to do.. We need more money to buy more crap.. NOT. .what we could use are a few more hours in our days.. a better nights sleep , more love and hugs and time with our children. Give up the extracaricular activities.. sacrifice when you bring a child into this world.. give them a chance at growing up to be a decent well rounded human being.. that can only happen with parental love and support and unconditional love.
We the people need to step up. We need to own our part in this. . .we need to get our babies out of day care and start spending time raising them.. allowing them to be little kids. to stay in their pajamas a bit too long.. allowing them to play in the sprinkler, but not alone, mom and dad.. get in the sprinkler.. play, hug kiss, laugh.. spend all that you have of yourself..
I recently asked my 6 year old this question: Would you rather take all the toys in our house (and we have way way too many toys) and trade them all in, you could keep 2 of your favorites, just get rid of them all, would you do it if it meant you could have your daddy back in your life every day.. He did not even have to think about it.. He said a resounding "YES, I would rather have my dad"
He is six.. I am listening.. His daddy is not.. I will be there /here for him no matter what... I will be the hipper version of June cleaver.. No dresses, but morals, values and hot meals every day! I will be the voice of reason, I will be the leader by my positive example.. i will be the sound board, the hug and kiss to celebrate the triumphs, the tissue box holder and weilder of bandaids and neosporin.. I will be the goalie.. the pitchback, I will be the audiance for magic shows, I will be on the bleachers in the rain at every game come hell or high water.. I will be waiting on the bus stop every day when you come home.. I will be the homework assistant, i will be the appointment maker, taxi driver, baseball coach, bread winner. worry sharer.. best friend. .I will be the parent.. I will set up boundaries and dish out spankings when needed.. I will love you unconditionally and you will not live one day or breathe one breath where you ever doubt my unconditional love.. I will raise you to be a person of integrity.. I will raise you to be an activist , your own dog.. I will remind you every day of how blessed you are, of how much you are loved, of how special you are .. I willl remind you to say your prayers and I will teach you to be greatful for all we have ... I don't have a big fancy house, I drive an older model car that , Praise the Lord, runs great.. I don't have much money left in my savings account. .but I have happy , well adjusted kids who have a safe place to fall.. it is called home.. Not fancy schmancy house with mortgage that is killing mom and dad.. Home.. and all it entails..
I will lead by my example.. You will know and never doubt my love, my commitment and hopefully.. You will not know dysfuntion but instead.. Love, tolerance, understanding, sacrifice.. and a happy home..
ahhh yes.. Dear God.. grant us happy homes.. take us back to the simpler days.. the Leave it too beaver days.. I can smell the meat loaf.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Random thoughts
Tolerance... we are born intolerant of so much and most of us with decent parents, are trained to become tolerant to our surroundings.. Tolerate the food you are given whether you like it or not, tolerate your siblings, your clothes, shoes etc.. mommy dresses you funny, so what.. tolerate it.
Then kindergarten and first grade and the school years begin.. we are then expected to be civilized and tolerate each other in a public arena. I have spent 44 years tolerating bull shit.. I am tired of it.. I am tired of the neighbor who can see me for 8 years and ignore me? What the hell is wrong with them? I am tired of people who don't stop at stop signs.. I am tired of impatient people.. I am tired of people who have yard sales and charge way way too much for the crap they don't want and are going to throw out>? What are they thinking? I am tired of our government fooling the public.. I am sick and disgusted with the general population of the United States who would rather keep their blinders on then get involved with actually causing a real change for the better.. I am sick and tired of gas prices going through the roof and the fact that no one is cutting back on driving? Do you people realize that Katrina was the worst natural disaster on US soil (so far) and that we were more then willing to suck up the gas prices 3 years ago because it was understandable, it was explained about the oil rigs sustaining damage, we were willing to quietly pay a bit more because of the devastation, Kind of our way of feeling as if we were doing something instead of nothing.. Yet prices have continued to rise, records broken every day, not just a cost of living or cost of production or lack there of increase, but an across the board blatant in your face record quarterly profit increase and we (the uninformed blind masses) continue to line up and pay out the ass for gas! Oh and now, an international food shortage? What the Fuck?? Am I missing something? Where are our global leaders.. we need ethenal, and now we don't have enough corn and grain to feed the world? HELLO.. ? We have plenty of food.. have you been into an American "Sams Club" or "Walmart" or any grocery store on US soil for that matter? Who are we foolling? Look in the mirror and you will see who is being fooled. It is you and me baby.. we are idiots.. there is no global shortage of food.. we are a world of plenty, the problem can be traced to the smallest communities, down through all of history.. someone has more, someone else has little.. it is and I guess it will always be that way.. we don't get the luxury of equality.. a man/woman can get up and put in 40 to 60 hours a week, he/she should earn a decent wage.. but no.. Where are all the elected officials fighting for the cost of living increase? Why don't childen in this richest country in the world have health coverage. Why are their so many dead beat dads? Why not castrate them? NO more babies for you mister. I would like to see them robbed of any sexual pleasure at all.. Cannot produce the money, can't reproduce the pleasure principle..
Wake up people..... there is way too much wrong.. and this current election is such a joke.. we have the frightening not sure if he is Christian or Islam Obama vs. the Robotic clonotic Clinton, who I believe was actually the first secret government Test Tube Polititian.. Who are you going to vote for? Impossible to answer that.. How can we select someone when they cannot even answer a simple freakin question? What are you going to do about gas prices in the long term? What are you REALLY going to do about renewable energy sources? What are you Really going to change? Are you just giving us a bunch of bull shit lip service to pacify the ignorant masses or are you really going to inflict a change!?
I will believe it when I sees it.
I cannot even get my damn neighbor to wave and acknowledge my exsistence and I am supposed to believe that Barack OBama or Hillary Cllinton really gives a rats ass about me, a single working mom who is owed 45,000. in back child support.. a single working mom with absolutely no real estate, no insurance, no retirement.. and I am supposed to believe that they care about me?
Pull on this leg, it has a bell on it.
Intolerant.. I am trying to practice being more tolerant.. when I see someone with car trouble, I stop and offer help.. I hope they don't kidnap me and torture me for months before releasing me, because my heart is really in the right place.. I want to reach out and help, I want to wave and say hi to strangers.. I am a human living on this planet.. I don't hate anyone.. yet.. I don't like alot of crap.. I believe the politicians are the masters and breeders of the hatred.. becuase keeping us scared of each other is a great way for us to have to relyon them.. right? What are we so afraid of? This is our country, at least the last time I looked it was.. and yet we allow pieces to be chipped away and soon it won't be recognizable.. who is running the ship? Is this a government for the people, by the people? No , It is a goverment run by the crooked and the special interests.. how can I become someones special interests.. I can't even get a date!
I want to feel as if I matter.. I want to know that when I vote to put someone in office they really are working in my best interest.. for what matters to me and my neighbor who won't wave. Maybe he won't wave because he is ashamed of doing nothing.?
I just don't know how much more of this I can tolerate.. It certainly sheds light on the violence bred by opression.. I feel opressed. .No matter how far ahead I scratch and claw.. there is that fat kid on top of the hill ready to kick me back down..
Then kindergarten and first grade and the school years begin.. we are then expected to be civilized and tolerate each other in a public arena. I have spent 44 years tolerating bull shit.. I am tired of it.. I am tired of the neighbor who can see me for 8 years and ignore me? What the hell is wrong with them? I am tired of people who don't stop at stop signs.. I am tired of impatient people.. I am tired of people who have yard sales and charge way way too much for the crap they don't want and are going to throw out>? What are they thinking? I am tired of our government fooling the public.. I am sick and disgusted with the general population of the United States who would rather keep their blinders on then get involved with actually causing a real change for the better.. I am sick and tired of gas prices going through the roof and the fact that no one is cutting back on driving? Do you people realize that Katrina was the worst natural disaster on US soil (so far) and that we were more then willing to suck up the gas prices 3 years ago because it was understandable, it was explained about the oil rigs sustaining damage, we were willing to quietly pay a bit more because of the devastation, Kind of our way of feeling as if we were doing something instead of nothing.. Yet prices have continued to rise, records broken every day, not just a cost of living or cost of production or lack there of increase, but an across the board blatant in your face record quarterly profit increase and we (the uninformed blind masses) continue to line up and pay out the ass for gas! Oh and now, an international food shortage? What the Fuck?? Am I missing something? Where are our global leaders.. we need ethenal, and now we don't have enough corn and grain to feed the world? HELLO.. ? We have plenty of food.. have you been into an American "Sams Club" or "Walmart" or any grocery store on US soil for that matter? Who are we foolling? Look in the mirror and you will see who is being fooled. It is you and me baby.. we are idiots.. there is no global shortage of food.. we are a world of plenty, the problem can be traced to the smallest communities, down through all of history.. someone has more, someone else has little.. it is and I guess it will always be that way.. we don't get the luxury of equality.. a man/woman can get up and put in 40 to 60 hours a week, he/she should earn a decent wage.. but no.. Where are all the elected officials fighting for the cost of living increase? Why don't childen in this richest country in the world have health coverage. Why are their so many dead beat dads? Why not castrate them? NO more babies for you mister. I would like to see them robbed of any sexual pleasure at all.. Cannot produce the money, can't reproduce the pleasure principle..
Wake up people..... there is way too much wrong.. and this current election is such a joke.. we have the frightening not sure if he is Christian or Islam Obama vs. the Robotic clonotic Clinton, who I believe was actually the first secret government Test Tube Polititian.. Who are you going to vote for? Impossible to answer that.. How can we select someone when they cannot even answer a simple freakin question? What are you going to do about gas prices in the long term? What are you REALLY going to do about renewable energy sources? What are you Really going to change? Are you just giving us a bunch of bull shit lip service to pacify the ignorant masses or are you really going to inflict a change!?
I will believe it when I sees it.
I cannot even get my damn neighbor to wave and acknowledge my exsistence and I am supposed to believe that Barack OBama or Hillary Cllinton really gives a rats ass about me, a single working mom who is owed 45,000. in back child support.. a single working mom with absolutely no real estate, no insurance, no retirement.. and I am supposed to believe that they care about me?
Pull on this leg, it has a bell on it.
Intolerant.. I am trying to practice being more tolerant.. when I see someone with car trouble, I stop and offer help.. I hope they don't kidnap me and torture me for months before releasing me, because my heart is really in the right place.. I want to reach out and help, I want to wave and say hi to strangers.. I am a human living on this planet.. I don't hate anyone.. yet.. I don't like alot of crap.. I believe the politicians are the masters and breeders of the hatred.. becuase keeping us scared of each other is a great way for us to have to relyon them.. right? What are we so afraid of? This is our country, at least the last time I looked it was.. and yet we allow pieces to be chipped away and soon it won't be recognizable.. who is running the ship? Is this a government for the people, by the people? No , It is a goverment run by the crooked and the special interests.. how can I become someones special interests.. I can't even get a date!
I want to feel as if I matter.. I want to know that when I vote to put someone in office they really are working in my best interest.. for what matters to me and my neighbor who won't wave. Maybe he won't wave because he is ashamed of doing nothing.?
I just don't know how much more of this I can tolerate.. It certainly sheds light on the violence bred by opression.. I feel opressed. .No matter how far ahead I scratch and claw.. there is that fat kid on top of the hill ready to kick me back down..
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Tubal Ligation
Well it only took me 26 years to have my tubes tied.. Now I can no longer have children or can I? statistically now I have a 1 in 300 chance of getting pregnant, now I don't know about you and where you are in your life or what has transpired in your life and how you would react to those numbers.. But I certainly can speak for myself when I tell you that I am in no way comfortable with those odds! WHAT? You can snip my falopian tubes, so that when the monthly egg is released from the Ovary it would literally have no where to go right (ok , I imagine the egg releasing from the ovary and instead of taking that lovely trip down falopian tube way, it just kind of floats around the body, outside of any reproductive organs and then maybe it just disintegrates right? right) but nooooo.. you are telling me that I can still get pregnant.. what the hell? What would be considered sterilazation or safe sex then? No sex is the answer. .the only way to insure that you Will not get pregnant is to have no sex..
ugh..
Now they tell me.. 3 kids, 26 years, 2 husbands, endless train of ex boyfriends, several abortions, an ablation and now a tubal ligation and your telling me I still might get pregnant!? I have not had sex in almost 5 years.. count em.. 5 freakin years, and I can still get pregnant. .Is this a sick joke on gods part.. I know biblically sex was supposed to be for procreation, but it feels so good.. It feels so nice to be intimate and share that bond with someone.. but I don't want any more kids.. I want to have more sex.. what is a girl to do?
I am really stumped.
I guess my only choices now are total celibacy or total removal of ovaries. .I don't even trust that anymore. .with my luck a few little eggs will be left behind, and one is all I would need for that one moment of weakness when I fall prey to the human weakness of needing intimacy with a man, and I would wind up pregnant at 60 with my luck.. I only have a few more years then I will be heading into the big fun land of MENAPAUSE.. Men a pause? what, why? so I will finally be at a point in my life where I could have all the sex I wanted, considering I would have someone to have this endless sex with... and I would finally be worry free about getting pregnant.. how unfair is that? sure I won't get pregnant, but I won't look and feel the same eitheer. I will have more cellulite, no more ovary action and menapause means big fun hormanal fluctations so now I will have a lovely beard and mustache.. a few prickly whiskers, yeah , I said whiskers.. on the face ladies.. boobs will now be down around my waist.. get the picture.. unfair.
ack..
ugh..
Now they tell me.. 3 kids, 26 years, 2 husbands, endless train of ex boyfriends, several abortions, an ablation and now a tubal ligation and your telling me I still might get pregnant!? I have not had sex in almost 5 years.. count em.. 5 freakin years, and I can still get pregnant. .Is this a sick joke on gods part.. I know biblically sex was supposed to be for procreation, but it feels so good.. It feels so nice to be intimate and share that bond with someone.. but I don't want any more kids.. I want to have more sex.. what is a girl to do?
I am really stumped.
I guess my only choices now are total celibacy or total removal of ovaries. .I don't even trust that anymore. .with my luck a few little eggs will be left behind, and one is all I would need for that one moment of weakness when I fall prey to the human weakness of needing intimacy with a man, and I would wind up pregnant at 60 with my luck.. I only have a few more years then I will be heading into the big fun land of MENAPAUSE.. Men a pause? what, why? so I will finally be at a point in my life where I could have all the sex I wanted, considering I would have someone to have this endless sex with... and I would finally be worry free about getting pregnant.. how unfair is that? sure I won't get pregnant, but I won't look and feel the same eitheer. I will have more cellulite, no more ovary action and menapause means big fun hormanal fluctations so now I will have a lovely beard and mustache.. a few prickly whiskers, yeah , I said whiskers.. on the face ladies.. boobs will now be down around my waist.. get the picture.. unfair.
ack..
Sunday, April 27, 2008
President?
How is any American supposed to go into a tiny little booth in November of 2008 and pick from this current crop of Robotic wannabes? There is so little trust if any amongst the bunch. Can you say groomed? Where are the elder statesman who once were asked to run for president because of their passion to the welfare of the Union? The men who laid down their lives to go to establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility etc.. for the success of a country based on honesty, liberty and rights for all. .Not rights for the already rich only. What about the rest of us.. the majority.. how do we get an elected official into the White House or any other elected official positition who we feel confidently that they will in fact fight for the nesseccary changes that will in fact impact our communities.. Not just the nation, and the world.. charity begins at home.. We have our own starving people.. we have poverty, we have horrors the likes of which the world has never seen, yet we don't see that on T.V. We see the worlds horrors..
How stupid are we Americans? How erogant can we be?
How stupid are we Americans? How erogant can we be?
Friday, April 25, 2008
Days gone By
how many of you out there are over 40? Over 30.. are you lost .. have you hit that point in your life when you suddenly wake up and wonder.. what the hell happened? How did I get to be 44? Why am I married to this person, who are these kids, why am I divorced, why are my parents so old , why does my knee hurt, who am I?
Mine has come.. I feel like I am just now waking up from a 27 year long nightmare.. Not a dream, no dreams tend to be associated with pleasantness.. and this memory, this period of foggy reawakening has not been pleasant.
Put aside the usual questions one would have when waking from a dream or even more so when awakening from a long term coma..the fog, the rubbing of the eyes.. the harsh sunlight burning the reality of awakedness into your brain and then the wondering begins.. Unleashing the endless chain reaction of questions that erupt, slowly , meticulously like a volcano flow, Once it starts, it keeps coming and this awakening will keep coming, flowing into your brain, Once it begins.. there is no turning back, from this moment on, if you're lucky.. everything will be different.
And with each question,the painful truth, the answers of how far you had strayed from your dreams..
How does it happen.. How do we as little children grow up to not only stray a million miles away from our dreams, but when asked at 30, 40, 50 we cannot even recall what our dreams were? How do we allow ourselves to get so lost, so caught up that we forget the passions of our youthful hearts, the dreams that fueled us joyfully through each day as innocent children. We did not know failure then, we knew no limits, no ceiling to the dreams we could dream. Imagining ourselves on stages under spotllights, In ball parks signing autographs, traveling, accepting our Academy award, walking on the moon, being the president of the United States, being a rock star, being a mom, being a husband or wife, wealth, fame, fortune.. Time is a thief, low self esteem is a criminal, robbing us of our dreams, time makes us older and wiser, but with the wisdom comes great pain and refinement, but still the dreams are buried so far that we cannot even begin to imagine what they were any more. We have lost touch with our own being.
You stop and ask yourself the simplest of questions: What is my favorite color? You know you are truly lost when you can't answer that one.. If you are lucky this will be the first of many lightbulb moments.. It is time to get in tune with yourself.. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, I remember hearing that as a child, as a teenager, as a twenty something and thinking "What in the hell does that mean?" Now I know.. today is a clean sheet of paper to write your script. Today is the dawn of possibility.. Today you can begin the joyful journey that life is supposed to be. Ask yourself: When I was a child, what did I want to be when I grew up? Where did I see myself going, what was my passion? The minute you ask it, You will remember and remembering can be quite painful because many.. well let's be honest, most of us never got there, Not even close! But today you can fire that passion up again! Light that fire underneath, dont' spend one more day in misery because you have convinced yourself that you have too! Work it out, dive into your passion, it may even become the reality you dreamt of as a child! How cool would it be to write that hit song, to sing on broadway, to finally know deep down, giggling out of control peace and joy?
It is time to wake up to your future. It is here , ready or not..
Every second is precious..don't make excuses or blame someone else for your unhappiness, forget about the past other then to look back and learn from so that you don't repeat the mistakes.. Dont' resent the mistakes, they helped refine you into the person you are today, the person who is now ready to dive whole heartedly into themselves.
Dig that little girl out who wanted to be an actress, unearth the little boy who dreamt of playing in the world series. You may not see the world series but who cares, you can still go to the batting cages, You can still perform in a local play.. until you embrace that child, those dreams, you won't find happiness.. It will all just be a robotic act , unemotional other then misery.. no thanks.
I just watched my 74 year old father launch at 6 am today on his first ever Hot air baloon ride.. He has been sitting in a recliner for the greater majority of his retirement.. and as the balloon glided into the wide open , freshly plowed field and came to a bumpy stop. As the sun was shining warm on my hair, as my father with his knee replacement steadied himself to climb carefully out of the balloons basket.. I saw a 9 year old little boy who could not wait to tell me all about his trip into the sky.. a dream lived! How freakin cool is that?
find out!
Mine has come.. I feel like I am just now waking up from a 27 year long nightmare.. Not a dream, no dreams tend to be associated with pleasantness.. and this memory, this period of foggy reawakening has not been pleasant.
Put aside the usual questions one would have when waking from a dream or even more so when awakening from a long term coma..the fog, the rubbing of the eyes.. the harsh sunlight burning the reality of awakedness into your brain and then the wondering begins.. Unleashing the endless chain reaction of questions that erupt, slowly , meticulously like a volcano flow, Once it starts, it keeps coming and this awakening will keep coming, flowing into your brain, Once it begins.. there is no turning back, from this moment on, if you're lucky.. everything will be different.
And with each question,the painful truth, the answers of how far you had strayed from your dreams..
How does it happen.. How do we as little children grow up to not only stray a million miles away from our dreams, but when asked at 30, 40, 50 we cannot even recall what our dreams were? How do we allow ourselves to get so lost, so caught up that we forget the passions of our youthful hearts, the dreams that fueled us joyfully through each day as innocent children. We did not know failure then, we knew no limits, no ceiling to the dreams we could dream. Imagining ourselves on stages under spotllights, In ball parks signing autographs, traveling, accepting our Academy award, walking on the moon, being the president of the United States, being a rock star, being a mom, being a husband or wife, wealth, fame, fortune.. Time is a thief, low self esteem is a criminal, robbing us of our dreams, time makes us older and wiser, but with the wisdom comes great pain and refinement, but still the dreams are buried so far that we cannot even begin to imagine what they were any more. We have lost touch with our own being.
You stop and ask yourself the simplest of questions: What is my favorite color? You know you are truly lost when you can't answer that one.. If you are lucky this will be the first of many lightbulb moments.. It is time to get in tune with yourself.. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, I remember hearing that as a child, as a teenager, as a twenty something and thinking "What in the hell does that mean?" Now I know.. today is a clean sheet of paper to write your script. Today is the dawn of possibility.. Today you can begin the joyful journey that life is supposed to be. Ask yourself: When I was a child, what did I want to be when I grew up? Where did I see myself going, what was my passion? The minute you ask it, You will remember and remembering can be quite painful because many.. well let's be honest, most of us never got there, Not even close! But today you can fire that passion up again! Light that fire underneath, dont' spend one more day in misery because you have convinced yourself that you have too! Work it out, dive into your passion, it may even become the reality you dreamt of as a child! How cool would it be to write that hit song, to sing on broadway, to finally know deep down, giggling out of control peace and joy?
It is time to wake up to your future. It is here , ready or not..
Every second is precious..don't make excuses or blame someone else for your unhappiness, forget about the past other then to look back and learn from so that you don't repeat the mistakes.. Dont' resent the mistakes, they helped refine you into the person you are today, the person who is now ready to dive whole heartedly into themselves.
Dig that little girl out who wanted to be an actress, unearth the little boy who dreamt of playing in the world series. You may not see the world series but who cares, you can still go to the batting cages, You can still perform in a local play.. until you embrace that child, those dreams, you won't find happiness.. It will all just be a robotic act , unemotional other then misery.. no thanks.
I just watched my 74 year old father launch at 6 am today on his first ever Hot air baloon ride.. He has been sitting in a recliner for the greater majority of his retirement.. and as the balloon glided into the wide open , freshly plowed field and came to a bumpy stop. As the sun was shining warm on my hair, as my father with his knee replacement steadied himself to climb carefully out of the balloons basket.. I saw a 9 year old little boy who could not wait to tell me all about his trip into the sky.. a dream lived! How freakin cool is that?
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