Finding Happiness

I have come to the conclusion that I am an avid observer of people and my surroundings. As a child this was often referred to as 'being nosy' when in fact it was a wonderful gift of being observant. Not much gets past me and I have mostly been condemned for this. My mother would be in another room, stealing a quiet moment to have a piece of well earned chocolate and I would hear the wrapper and Yell "hey , what is that sound, I heard paper?" The response was usually "Oh Pam, mind your own business, I can't sneak anything past you, you don't miss a thing." It was said in a way that led me to believe that this was not in fact a gift but something I should stop and be ashamed of if I continued the persuit of answers. This fascination with wonder allows me to sit in a room full of strangers mingled with friends and wonder about their lives. The sadness I hear in a quick sentence shared about a divorce after 17 years of marriage. How she is now dating again but so scared to put her heart out there. The friend who is turning 40 and rarely shows emotion. I guess it is also empathy mixed with observation for once I become in tune to a story I attach an emotion to it.. I feel for that person. And tonight I spent an evening with a group of fun loving folks who were partying it up. Laughing at crude jokes and sarcasm and I am a very quick wit, but I find myself becoming very sensative to certain things that never bothered me before. Well at least I did not think it bothered me before. The closer I draw to the Lord, the more clear it becomes that I can no longer walk on that path and walk with him and I choose him. My path, my purpose although not clear yet, it most definetly different now. I no longer find my happiness is alchohol induced fun. IN the crudeness of people who don't know me well enough to assume that it is ok with me.. It is not that I am judgemental, for I see sadness in them.. The emptiness of temporary highs that only mimic true happiness. Yet who am I to make that call. Only from my own experience. The temporary feel good moments from sex, drugs, alcohol, all have done little to make me a better person. They have not advanced me into a purposeful life. Sure they have provided some great stories along with some dreadfully painful lessons. Some I often feel I couldhave done without, yet it was those things that brought me to where I am today.. Was it full circle or just the long way home? It is not about the car you drive. The square footage of the house. The designer labels on your purse, shoes and outfits. I am finding happiness in the simple things. Being able to play with my kids. Having a dinner together where we laugh and funny classic things get said and we laugh til someone has milk coming out of their nose! Snuggling in with a huge bowl of popcorn and a soda to watch a movie. Kissing a boo boo and cheering as my teenage son breaks his own personal record in the high jump. Spending time meditating and feeling the presence of Jesus Christ next too me. These are moments of true happiness for me these days. My clothes are old, but they still looknice. I don't have the body I did at 20, but it is healthy and it serves me well.. My children have mostly laughter in their lives. No alcoholism to screw them up.. Oh sure , one day it will be revealed to me all the mistakes I made as a mom/parent, but I can take that for today I know I am doing the best that I c an.. I am available for my kids.. that makes me happy. I have several bibles and books on meditation around the house so that I can re center myself in Christ. I want to laugh hard until my stomache aches and my face cramps up. And I want to get as many hugs as I can.. I found a tiny little post it note in the bathroom tonight it said "I am hiding, try and find me" Left a week ago by my 8 year old.. He is with his dad tonight and I wish he was here so that I could find him and hug and kiss him.. He acts like he hates my kisses but I don't care. Smelling his head after he has been sweating, smelling his head after he takes a shower and uses baby shampoo but for big kids. Staring at my kids as they sleep.. happy moments. I guess I still need to find more balance in life.. A group of friends who share common goals. Similar morals as well as a passion for following Christ. I know for sure that I want to walk in relationship with God. I have so much to learn and so far to go in my restoration, but I feel I am on the right path. Happiness.. true joy.. long term peace. Not fleeting inappropriate moments. Temporary highs.. No , i want the promises of the bible, straight from God. this life is short in the grand scheme and I want to live it. Without compromising who I am.. instead being proud of myself. and Being happy with who I am.