Finding Happiness

I have come to the conclusion that I am an avid observer of people and my surroundings. As a child this was often referred to as 'being nosy' when in fact it was a wonderful gift of being observant. Not much gets past me and I have mostly been condemned for this. My mother would be in another room, stealing a quiet moment to have a piece of well earned chocolate and I would hear the wrapper and Yell "hey , what is that sound, I heard paper?" The response was usually "Oh Pam, mind your own business, I can't sneak anything past you, you don't miss a thing." It was said in a way that led me to believe that this was not in fact a gift but something I should stop and be ashamed of if I continued the persuit of answers. This fascination with wonder allows me to sit in a room full of strangers mingled with friends and wonder about their lives. The sadness I hear in a quick sentence shared about a divorce after 17 years of marriage. How she is now dating again but so scared to put her heart out there. The friend who is turning 40 and rarely shows emotion. I guess it is also empathy mixed with observation for once I become in tune to a story I attach an emotion to it.. I feel for that person. And tonight I spent an evening with a group of fun loving folks who were partying it up. Laughing at crude jokes and sarcasm and I am a very quick wit, but I find myself becoming very sensative to certain things that never bothered me before. Well at least I did not think it bothered me before. The closer I draw to the Lord, the more clear it becomes that I can no longer walk on that path and walk with him and I choose him. My path, my purpose although not clear yet, it most definetly different now. I no longer find my happiness is alchohol induced fun. IN the crudeness of people who don't know me well enough to assume that it is ok with me.. It is not that I am judgemental, for I see sadness in them.. The emptiness of temporary highs that only mimic true happiness. Yet who am I to make that call. Only from my own experience. The temporary feel good moments from sex, drugs, alcohol, all have done little to make me a better person. They have not advanced me into a purposeful life. Sure they have provided some great stories along with some dreadfully painful lessons. Some I often feel I couldhave done without, yet it was those things that brought me to where I am today.. Was it full circle or just the long way home? It is not about the car you drive. The square footage of the house. The designer labels on your purse, shoes and outfits. I am finding happiness in the simple things. Being able to play with my kids. Having a dinner together where we laugh and funny classic things get said and we laugh til someone has milk coming out of their nose! Snuggling in with a huge bowl of popcorn and a soda to watch a movie. Kissing a boo boo and cheering as my teenage son breaks his own personal record in the high jump. Spending time meditating and feeling the presence of Jesus Christ next too me. These are moments of true happiness for me these days. My clothes are old, but they still looknice. I don't have the body I did at 20, but it is healthy and it serves me well.. My children have mostly laughter in their lives. No alcoholism to screw them up.. Oh sure , one day it will be revealed to me all the mistakes I made as a mom/parent, but I can take that for today I know I am doing the best that I c an.. I am available for my kids.. that makes me happy. I have several bibles and books on meditation around the house so that I can re center myself in Christ. I want to laugh hard until my stomache aches and my face cramps up. And I want to get as many hugs as I can.. I found a tiny little post it note in the bathroom tonight it said "I am hiding, try and find me" Left a week ago by my 8 year old.. He is with his dad tonight and I wish he was here so that I could find him and hug and kiss him.. He acts like he hates my kisses but I don't care. Smelling his head after he has been sweating, smelling his head after he takes a shower and uses baby shampoo but for big kids. Staring at my kids as they sleep.. happy moments. I guess I still need to find more balance in life.. A group of friends who share common goals. Similar morals as well as a passion for following Christ. I know for sure that I want to walk in relationship with God. I have so much to learn and so far to go in my restoration, but I feel I am on the right path. Happiness.. true joy.. long term peace. Not fleeting inappropriate moments. Temporary highs.. No , i want the promises of the bible, straight from God. this life is short in the grand scheme and I want to live it. Without compromising who I am.. instead being proud of myself. and Being happy with who I am.

Detachment

Detachment is such a strange word. One can be detached from reality and live in their own little lollipop forrest of a world. Where raindrops turn into jelly beans and the river of "Denial" runs raging through. I consider myself a detachment convert. For once I was lost but now I am found.. not really found.. but lightsbulbs are going off in my head as I wrap my brain around the concept of detaching.
I am currently dealing with detaching from a very dysfuncial/ dillusional messed up person with a cocktail of personality disorders.. We have a child together and from a very young age I have seen red flags regarding my sons mental state.. I initially thought it was autism at some level. But knowing that skitzophrenia runs on the paternal fathers side, as well as having a 7 year old who has been in counceling since he was about 3, It is time for me to seperate the illnesses of this persons mind and not only stop taking it personaly and for petes sake it is time for me to stop expecting a different result from this person..
Loving and protecting ones offspring is prevalent in nature as mother bears will attach when they feel the slightest threat to their cubs. And most human parents are protectors of their children.. Obviously we all protect on different levels.. some of us are over protective and rob ous children of the fun of youth. Like climbing a tree or swimming in the creek.. some parents fear a tree fall, a broken bone, or bacteria from the local creek! but for most of us our protectived nature is one of knowing danger and preventing it.. Most people in their right minds would not send a child into the vehicle of a drunk person. So how is it I can not only put my son into the car, shut the door and even encourage him to go somewhere with his dad when he adimently does not want to go? It is like detaching but my one arm is still in the fire.. It hurts. .It is confusing doing this parenting thing alone.. Tonight I find myself questioning.. Am I allowing my son to go with this person who is a pathological lliar.. More times then not in the last 5 years I have not known where he goes.. I have inquired repeatedly only to be met with responses not of a healthy father, but from an emotionally insecure and screwed up man who says "You don't need to worry about where he is as long as he is with me" I don't agree.. but my hands are tied..
My son loves his dad very much..
My detachment has to come from a perspective of remembering that his lies and fabrications are not about me.. they are directed at me, but I can choose to listen or not listen.. I can quit even asking because the game is set up so that when I ask.. he just gets to lie in my face again..
Knowing and loving and being exposed to a pathological liar is a tremendous challenge. To have to behave as somene you are not. someone you uncomfortable being.. pacifying the lie because you no longer have it in you too fight it.. But someone has too fight for my son.. My hands are often tied, but I have recourse.. I can be the good parent.. I can be the constant.. I will always be the one my son can count on getting it straight from.. No B.S. I will tellhim the truth and he can walk away never doubting my word is golden.. when I say I will do it.. he can count on that being so.. I am proud of this.. It is little consolation sometimes against the constant barrage of lies coming at me..
I spoke to a counselor and a lawyer and they both feel that he must disclose fully .. but regardless.. I can detach myself from him as much as humanly possible for me.. I am a pushover, a hopeless romantic.. I often imagine in my little dysfunctional young girl mode that someone may actually change.. Highly unlikely.. and once again, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result makes me not only look like a crazy person,, but I am acting like one..
I don't like whoo I have become, but I am greatful that I am aware of it.. awareness is wonderful because even though the road ahead of acceptance and action are daunting to say the least.. With the knowledge I have now , comes power, and today I have power and courage to change what I can.. and that is me..
It will certainly save me much anguish, it will hurt for a while like the pearl being formed into one of the rarest substances on earth and it too is formed under tremendous adversity and look at the magnificence that is finally revealed exactly when it is ready.
I am going to be a pearl one day.. I just know it..

The Little League

Take me back to a time 35 or so years ago.. Take me back to a dry and dusty field with too much dirt and not enough grass. Take me to the neighborhood sand lot, the field where the zoning ordanance sign stood for what seems like forever in my child like mind. Take me back to a hot summer day and 6 or 7 kids, mitts and bats and only 2 tattered baseballs. Take me back to the time before little league became whatever the hell it is today. Before baseball became tainted with Steriods and HGH and liars.. Take me back to the glory days when our childhood heros dove in the dirt to make an impossible catch and magically arose to make a double play. My childhood hero was Brooks Robinson, Jim Palmer, Boog Powell, Mark Belanger, Al Bumbry, Elrod Hendricks, Frank Robinson. The boys of summer, the hungry guys who worked hard and made it look easy. The salaries were small and so were the egos. We saw amazing plays based on drive and passion and skill, Not hormones and steroids. Personally ( and this deserves a whole other page) I don't feel any player today who breaks a record and is on any performance enhancing drug should get the record.. Plain and simple, Cheatng is cheating, we never learned to put up with it , Pete Rose gambled on Baseball and one of the legends of the games was thrown out! But today a loser like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens can easily lie and be handed the keys to a city.. No, they don't deserve it, and neither do we. We deserve a better caliper of player. When I take my boys to a ball game.. I expect to see some real players. .heart and soul players.. No we don't deserve to have to pay their salaries and stroke their egos by building them bigger and fancier stadiums.. I would be completely content to have spent the rest of my days sitting in Memorial Stadium or the old Yankee Stadium..
So back to the point of my story. We get much we don't deserve today and alot of wrong is going on in our world, but it needs to stop when it comes to baseball. As a child who loves baseball, you hit 13 or 14 and become disillusioned by the local little league in your community when you find out and realize that you were not picked for the select team. .The select team is basically hand picked ball players all of whom are excellent and they get to have the best coaching the best equiptment, Sure sounds great and It is for a few of them. But what about the rest of the boys in the town? What about the boy who just wants a good honest game of baseball, what about the boy whos fire burns inside to play the all american game? He is not good enough for the "Select Team" so his evaluation really does not matter, he is sent into the hat of kids to be picked from. the kids who are not good enough according to 5 people.. So these boys who need good decent coaching and are deserving of it because although they don't play as well as the "Select" boys, they have just as much passion if not more. See the "Select" boys often only have a few guys on the team that really want to be on the high stress team. Most of them just want to play a decent fair game of baseball and it is not all about winning until some power hungry men decide to live their crushed dreams vicariously through the unsuspecting victims whom they are now coaching. The boys of summer who fall through the cracks and are stuck on a team with a coach who is only coaching because no one else would step up and do it. .and of course you gotta give the man credit for stepping up where there is a need. He sacrifices dinners at home at a reasonable hour, his family picks up the slack at home for his hours on the field babysitting someone elses kids. But he is not coaching, he is taking up space like a bad day care provider, Instilling nothing but silence on the boys who just want to play ball. He is not coaching them. .He is tired and in his mind they should know the basics by now, but the reality is , even in the big leagues there is coaching going on. There is someone shouting direction for the field. there is someone keeping a watchful eye on pitching and stealing etc..
When all the good players get picked for the select team, they also tend to have the good coaches, the involved baseball loving dads .. so not only are all the good players on one team, all the good coaches are now sitting watching games instead of passingon their knowledge and wisdom to young men who deserve to have that opportunity just as much if not more. How do we stop this.? Baseball the game is such a metaphor for life. Valuable lessons in teamwork and good sportsmanship as well as integrity are taught in the dirt of that field. but not anymore.. lets just show up, throw together a roster, who cares where each boy plays, they are on their own out there in the field.. No coaching, no positive role models, No more heros...
Only heads hung low as they lose another by 20 runs.. where is the decency..Who is protecting this American pastime from the selfish American future?
I care! I miss the days when teams were divided somewhat equally. You never knew from year to year who would switch around, but you played your position and you learned it and got good at it. Your coach yelled at you when you screwed up a play or bobbled a ball, but he also patted your butt when you were up to bat and he encouraged you to be your best, to go down swinging. Don't just stand there..
Heads hung in shame have no place on a little league ball field. Young boys all have an equal place on a team to play .. sometimes you sit, you win some, you lose some.. You should never lose them all.. I would not want to put that uniform on again for another spanking.
What ever happened to equally divided teams, and then at the end of the year the best of the best were invited to play on the All Star team. if they wanted too? the season ended for most of us then, but the all stars enjoyed a bit more glory.
Nowadays, it is who has the biggest payrole can buy the bestt players.. and the 5 small town men who feel it is their job to glorify 12 and ignore 30 others should be ashamed of themselves. .What gives them the right, how do they justify this in their minds.. What kind of power have they instilled upon themselves?
I am sick and I am tired.. I feel the pain of the 10 or 11 boys who still show up to finish out the season thankfully because a parent is making them finish what they started. Baseball is a team sport it takes all the pieces to fit together and work as a team. Not seperatly.
I am disenchanted.. I want this to change. Ask a kid on the "Select" team if he really cares. He won't , he cares more about a good and fair game, a fun night laughing and bonding with the other guys..
When you put the leftovers on a team and then don't coach them, what on earth did you expect would happen?

Mary Mary

Mary, why do you refuse to open your eyes? Your child is so sick,it is upsetting and sad and inside he must feel like crap about himself, Yet in your selfish desire to keep him down because you are so terrified of losing his love.. You turn a blind eye to his sickness. He has severe mental illness and living alone with no family or friends around him , His disease is allowed to take over and it has .. I can walk into his apartment and see the disease swallowing him up entirely. It breaks my heart and I don't have much heart of compassion left towards him.. His disease is insidious in how it takes over his mind, often times without him even knowing it.. the lies to himself and to the world.. His lack of true intimacy, the OCD , the skitzophrenia, the narccisitic personality disorder are only naming a few of the ingredients in this poor persons cocktail of a brain. And you choose to use him, you choose to keep him sick instead of loving him enough to confront him and get him the help he so desperately needs.. I realize how afraid you are of losing him, I realize that you have lost 2 of your children and 6 grand kids.. and the thought of losing another one is so unbearable that you will not even allow it to cross your mind or your heart ... I have been aroundd long enough to have seen some pretty bad signs of the illness.. I have attempted discussions with you in the past on more then one occasion and I have been met with your wrath. Only once was there a break through where his problem was given a name, I was ecstatic that we had this break through, because I felt like "finally, putting a name to it was acknowledging it exsists , it was a glimmer of hope to the only slim chance of recovery. You cannot fix what you dont acknowledge.. You ignoring his mental frame of mind is a sin. I no longer foolishly hope that we can or will be friends.. personally I don't want friends who tell me what I want to hear, I want the kind of friends who tell me what I need to hear..
Of course all of this is my outsider opinion.. but if it were my son.. no matter how old he is and this was brought to my attention, I most certainly would not close my eyes.. I would confront him with love, i would hold him accountable. .I would quit (never ) make excuses as to why he makes the choices he makes.. why he behaves the way he does..
Do you not think it odd that he drives a $40,000.00 truck, has the top of the line hunting gear, pays off your house yet lives in a stinky disgusting little hole in the wall apartment? Do you think he could do better then that.. set some goals for himself or just stay stuck in the muck? How about all the mountains of stuff piled on his table for years now? Are you seriously going to tell me you don't notice it or is that you just want to believe his justifications because looking at the truth would hurt too badly and you fear losing another child..
well .. You are wrong in my opinion..

Rage Against the Man

I have gone down fighting most of my life and like the phoenix, I too rise from the ashes.. I don't always feel as glorious as the Phoenix.. To paint a visual of my rising it would be like this: Me , covered in a massive quantity of bull shit, crawling with dirty fingernails, bare foot and bleeding, torn ragged clothes, bloodied and soiled knees.. and breathing heavy.. hard word is my Phoenix rising and I wonder.. In all my struggles in life, both the self inflicted and the not so awesome hands life has had a tendancy to throw at me, There has got too be something amazing waiting for me down the road.. I don't want to spend my 100 years on this planet, in this life waiting for something amazing. .I am the eternal annoying optomist. I even get on my own nerves sometimes when I hear myself talking myself out of my feelings/. Not allowing myself to just feel like shit sometimes or not so happy or to realize that life sucks on occasion and more often then not.. I am ok with that sometimes.. but why is it that the pleasant moments seem so contrastingly different when weighed on a scale of fairness? Why does it seem that some people have so much more in life.. Why are they able to have nice houses and I can't? Why is it that I have worked my butt off since I was 15 at jobs and yet I have nothing? I have given life an honest effort, I have given life the constant benefit of the doubt only to be bitch slapped back down.. why is that? Why is it that some raging alcoholics can have a decent life.. why is it that I don't have a date ever and no friends? what is the universe trying to tell me.. ? and more importantly .. why aren't I getting the message?

Dear God

I was brought up in a home divided.. Mom was a practicing Catholic..practice practice practice..I think she had always just about had it right.. it was not about being "catholic" per say.. more about how you lived your life, what is in your heart.. How willing are you to share the message, not just in knowing and reciting the words, but actually walking the walk.. mom had that down.. She walked the walk.. and she can still talk the talk with the best of them.. Hers is a religion based faith.. She often shared with me through out my life when I struggled with organized religions and the chaos and hypocracy... Mom would bring things down into a perspective that almost made sense..

I as an adult of 28 went through a metamorphasis .. a spiritual awakening or being born again as some would call it.. It actually calls it that in the bible as well.. I was always leary of the term "Born again" because it conjurs memories of those scary people in plain but fancy clothing who would be walking down the neighborhood streets with their little bags and fliers about their religion.. But for lack of a better term and also as a result of my own coming to terms with the term and all it implied.. I am now quite comfortable sharing the statement "I am born again" .. People still run and hide.. but that is ok. .I am not going to come after you and thump you on the head with a bible.. I would rather just be your friend or even an aquaintance at this point so that you can form your own opinion of where you are on your journey and I will be more of an example by my actions then shoving my words down your throat.... Just don't be afraid of those that will call you to duty.. to serve.. etc.. the time is coming.. the time for answer asking and question fielding..The time for seeking instead of simply trusting what you are told to think and believe. There is very little truth even available these days. I surely don't know, I am a questioner and I have often been silenced but I cannot be silent any longer. Keeping my head in the sand is no longer an option.. for some reason I have been chosen.. I think about Paul in the bible and what a total scum bag, lying, womanizing, christian killer he was, yet God knocked him on his ass and used him for good. I liken myself to Paul.. I lived a selfish, self absorbed life.. Not concerned about my fellow human beings.. Not concerned about my own well being.. I allowed myself to be trash.. Which brings me back to the house divided that I grew up in.. I never felt good enough and that had alot to do with the fact that I was reminded by my father (when he was around) of just how worthless and stupid I was.. I don't understand why a parent would feel the need to verbally beat the spirit out of someone so small and helpless.. And it has taken much healing , recovery, faith in Christ, tears, pain in my awakening as well as forgiveness of my father.. My father has not changed.. but I have , and in my awakening, as a result of my forgiveness, I now have a relationship with my father.. His power over me by manipulative words no longer hurt me. I have gone from hatred and misunderstanding to compassion and insight. It is hard to see my own family, so filled with dysfunction but when I see the daily news.. read the paper, turn on the T.V. , all around us we are surrounded by the confused, the misguided, the non believers, the uninformed, the ignorant. The state of our world is no longer just sad.. It is tradgic, it has been allowed to spin so out of control that it has become shameful.
Starting with the family that has convinced themselves that they need two incomes to survive.. They need to incomes because they made a choice to live a life garnering a dual income. Instead of sacrificing that fancy new car, instead of driving an old faithful car, we need bigger, better, faster more.. And from that initial leak springs forth the poison from the well.. the Hell well...
Two income couples should not bring children into the world.. consider it please. How do you justify bringing children into the world so that you can leave them in a day care for 10 hours a day? What lies do you tell yourself to help you sleep at night? More hell water.. it is to the point now where we don't tell the lies anymore. .It is justified in the sleeping pill.. that way you don't HAVE to think about it.. you will sleep like a baby so that you can get up and do it again tomorrow.. Drop the kids at day care, until they are old enough to go to school.. and hey lets petition the government for full day kindergarten, after all.. the kids are 4 and 5 and 6.. they are no longer just innocent little children.. they are old enough now to have to get up way before they need too.. Who the hell cares? Hectic mornings are the way everyone wants to grow up.. nothing like security.. and how about the little belly ache that has to go to school or daycare anyway because mommy cannot miss another day of work.. give him some medicine.. send her off.. If it gets worse I will deal with it later..and hey how about before school care where they can feed them breakfast too.. Yeah, great idea.. one more way of getting out of spending any real time chatting with YOUR child? Why do we keep having children?
And your kids are fucked up, but man you have a nice house and fancy car.. You must be so proud.. take your valium like a normal person and don't feel anything.. Where will it get you anyway?
And what about the kids born out of wedlock? What about the little boys who have no daddy in their lives.. My God.. If you are there, you much weep around the clock just at this tradgedy of the 20th and 21st centuries.. A moment literally, of pleasure and their are babies popping out all over the place that no one wants.. the government winds up paying for them.. mommy is annoyed at them.. daddy.. Well , daddy has 5 kids.. and he is out still trying to get laid because the system for tracking him down and making him pay aint working! How about a castration? How about no more reproduction? But again we come full circle.. who is teaching the kids morals? Who is giving your child, safe in their little day care a moral compass? Who is teaching them chastity, self respect, self esteem, waiting to have sex until you are in a commited long term relationship.. Why are 13 year old girls even considering having sex? Because there is no daddy around supply them with the love they need.. no one is telling them how special they are.. no one is telling them that it is not only smart to wait, because your little teenage body is in no way ready for sex, pregnancy, childbirth or parenting.. Why is no one telling you that?
I love you .. I wish I could reach every young girl on the planet right now and share my story and hug them and tell them that sex is the final act in a relationship, never the first consideration. somehow today the message is.. sex is ok.. My God where are you? You gotta be rethinking this free will thing.. We are a bunch of idiots.. young girls having sex with guys who just want to bust a nut and will say and do anything to get that.. they don't care about you.. Odds are so not in the favor of that relationship working out.. Instead the odds are that a young girl will contract a sexually transmitted disease, get pregnant, ruin not just her life but that of an innocent baby..
Dear God.. it seems we no longer think for ourselves.. we jump higher becuase that is what society tells us to do.. We need more money to buy more crap.. NOT. .what we could use are a few more hours in our days.. a better nights sleep , more love and hugs and time with our children. Give up the extracaricular activities.. sacrifice when you bring a child into this world.. give them a chance at growing up to be a decent well rounded human being.. that can only happen with parental love and support and unconditional love.
We the people need to step up. We need to own our part in this. . .we need to get our babies out of day care and start spending time raising them.. allowing them to be little kids. to stay in their pajamas a bit too long.. allowing them to play in the sprinkler, but not alone, mom and dad.. get in the sprinkler.. play, hug kiss, laugh.. spend all that you have of yourself..
I recently asked my 6 year old this question: Would you rather take all the toys in our house (and we have way way too many toys) and trade them all in, you could keep 2 of your favorites, just get rid of them all, would you do it if it meant you could have your daddy back in your life every day.. He did not even have to think about it.. He said a resounding "YES, I would rather have my dad"
He is six.. I am listening.. His daddy is not.. I will be there /here for him no matter what... I will be the hipper version of June cleaver.. No dresses, but morals, values and hot meals every day! I will be the voice of reason, I will be the leader by my positive example.. i will be the sound board, the hug and kiss to celebrate the triumphs, the tissue box holder and weilder of bandaids and neosporin.. I will be the goalie.. the pitchback, I will be the audiance for magic shows, I will be on the bleachers in the rain at every game come hell or high water.. I will be waiting on the bus stop every day when you come home.. I will be the homework assistant, i will be the appointment maker, taxi driver, baseball coach, bread winner. worry sharer.. best friend. .I will be the parent.. I will set up boundaries and dish out spankings when needed.. I will love you unconditionally and you will not live one day or breathe one breath where you ever doubt my unconditional love.. I will raise you to be a person of integrity.. I will raise you to be an activist , your own dog.. I will remind you every day of how blessed you are, of how much you are loved, of how special you are .. I willl remind you to say your prayers and I will teach you to be greatful for all we have ... I don't have a big fancy house, I drive an older model car that , Praise the Lord, runs great.. I don't have much money left in my savings account. .but I have happy , well adjusted kids who have a safe place to fall.. it is called home.. Not fancy schmancy house with mortgage that is killing mom and dad.. Home.. and all it entails..
I will lead by my example.. You will know and never doubt my love, my commitment and hopefully.. You will not know dysfuntion but instead.. Love, tolerance, understanding, sacrifice.. and a happy home..
ahhh yes.. Dear God.. grant us happy homes.. take us back to the simpler days.. the Leave it too beaver days.. I can smell the meat loaf.