Detachment

Detachment is such a strange word. One can be detached from reality and live in their own little lollipop forrest of a world. Where raindrops turn into jelly beans and the river of "Denial" runs raging through. I consider myself a detachment convert. For once I was lost but now I am found.. not really found.. but lightsbulbs are going off in my head as I wrap my brain around the concept of detaching.
I am currently dealing with detaching from a very dysfuncial/ dillusional messed up person with a cocktail of personality disorders.. We have a child together and from a very young age I have seen red flags regarding my sons mental state.. I initially thought it was autism at some level. But knowing that skitzophrenia runs on the paternal fathers side, as well as having a 7 year old who has been in counceling since he was about 3, It is time for me to seperate the illnesses of this persons mind and not only stop taking it personaly and for petes sake it is time for me to stop expecting a different result from this person..
Loving and protecting ones offspring is prevalent in nature as mother bears will attach when they feel the slightest threat to their cubs. And most human parents are protectors of their children.. Obviously we all protect on different levels.. some of us are over protective and rob ous children of the fun of youth. Like climbing a tree or swimming in the creek.. some parents fear a tree fall, a broken bone, or bacteria from the local creek! but for most of us our protectived nature is one of knowing danger and preventing it.. Most people in their right minds would not send a child into the vehicle of a drunk person. So how is it I can not only put my son into the car, shut the door and even encourage him to go somewhere with his dad when he adimently does not want to go? It is like detaching but my one arm is still in the fire.. It hurts. .It is confusing doing this parenting thing alone.. Tonight I find myself questioning.. Am I allowing my son to go with this person who is a pathological lliar.. More times then not in the last 5 years I have not known where he goes.. I have inquired repeatedly only to be met with responses not of a healthy father, but from an emotionally insecure and screwed up man who says "You don't need to worry about where he is as long as he is with me" I don't agree.. but my hands are tied..
My son loves his dad very much..
My detachment has to come from a perspective of remembering that his lies and fabrications are not about me.. they are directed at me, but I can choose to listen or not listen.. I can quit even asking because the game is set up so that when I ask.. he just gets to lie in my face again..
Knowing and loving and being exposed to a pathological liar is a tremendous challenge. To have to behave as somene you are not. someone you uncomfortable being.. pacifying the lie because you no longer have it in you too fight it.. But someone has too fight for my son.. My hands are often tied, but I have recourse.. I can be the good parent.. I can be the constant.. I will always be the one my son can count on getting it straight from.. No B.S. I will tellhim the truth and he can walk away never doubting my word is golden.. when I say I will do it.. he can count on that being so.. I am proud of this.. It is little consolation sometimes against the constant barrage of lies coming at me..
I spoke to a counselor and a lawyer and they both feel that he must disclose fully .. but regardless.. I can detach myself from him as much as humanly possible for me.. I am a pushover, a hopeless romantic.. I often imagine in my little dysfunctional young girl mode that someone may actually change.. Highly unlikely.. and once again, doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result makes me not only look like a crazy person,, but I am acting like one..
I don't like whoo I have become, but I am greatful that I am aware of it.. awareness is wonderful because even though the road ahead of acceptance and action are daunting to say the least.. With the knowledge I have now , comes power, and today I have power and courage to change what I can.. and that is me..
It will certainly save me much anguish, it will hurt for a while like the pearl being formed into one of the rarest substances on earth and it too is formed under tremendous adversity and look at the magnificence that is finally revealed exactly when it is ready.
I am going to be a pearl one day.. I just know it..